Parenting 101 -- raising the flag

I'm pretty sure if there were periodic spot-checks and quizzes for parents, I'd be flunking this month's review. Between my son's wet underpants (which have continued, post-ChuckE-dry-pants-celebration, I'll have you know), potty mouth, and overall obstinate behavior, I feel like I'm failing miserably at this parenting gig at the moment. Some days I move from bribes to threats and back again as a way of getting through the day. I realize that some of that is necessary, but when it's wearing me down to the point of exhaustion, I know something is not right. I am anxious to get these things on the right path while he's at age 3 1/2, rather than have them escalate into I-don't-want-to-think-about-what later on.

Early on in my mothering career, I rarely if ever looked at "the books." I was more of a trust-my-instincts kind of Mom. I flew by the seat of my pants. For the most part, we were doing fine that way. Til now. I'm sure the behaviors are a response to the stress we've been under lately, including me on a deadline crunch and my husband working funky hours. Both of those situations are on the verge of changing, but I need to take action now or my life will be hell for the next week.

A typical day may involve 3 or 4 changes of wet undies (just wet enough so that a change is needed -- not drenched pants). Then there's the lack of cooperation. For example, we may go up and down the street for a tricycle ride before dinner. When it's time to go inside, full-scale battle ensues. I ultimately return the bike to the garage and drag or coerce a screaming child into the house. There's lack of cooperation with getting into the bath-tub, usually til I threaten that there will be no bedtime stories without a bath. There are battles at nap-time and bed-time. And then I am exhausted beyond belief after all of that.

So tell me, if you've survived parenting a preschooler, what were your techniques? Who were/are your gurus? Yes, I am going to now read 1-2-3 Magic cover to cover (shame on me for not actually reading the whole book yet), watch the video, and get serious about implementing the "Magic."

But I'm curious -- what else have you got in your bags of tricks? Please share!

Comments

[Barbara]

Don't look at me, I barely made it through myself. I am no one's role model.

[vw bug]

Nope, not the right person to ask. My almost 4 year old has decided that crying is the answer to not getting what he wants. I have taken away privileges, given him praise when he does stuff without crying, and sent him to his room until he stops. Nope, nothing is working yet. If I find the magic answer, I'll let you know. Or you can let me know if that book works. I'm getting a tape on 'Choices'. I'm hoping that will help me.

[kristi]

Oh no. I'm sure all of the little one's antics are completely normal. Have you considered a Benadryl Smoothie? Apparently, they're quite popular in our city. ;)

[Anita]

Oh Marie,

Don't despair! The 3's were very tough with both of my boys, especially my first one, and then like magic, shortly after turning 4, they became little angels. I LOVED the age of 4. You're almost there.

I'm laughing because I was going to recommend the 1-2-3 book, but I see you've already got that. It's very good.

I promise you, it will get better. It is just a phase and not a permanent way of being nor is it your fault.

Anita

[Anita]

Also, may I make a suggestion on the potty training?

Here's my advice. Ignore the whole thing for at least two weeks. Don't put diapers on him or training pants, but if the underpants get wet, just change him matter o factly without discussion. Don't say a word - - positive or negative. If he goes the whole day without peeing, still don't say anything.

Sometimes, I really think that the kids learn that something or other is a "hot button" that they can use to get attention, toys, etc. etc., and then they utilize it. It's a power that we grant and can just as easily take away.

Wet pants aren't comfortable. That's a natural consequence to peeing in them, and I'm pretty sure that ultimately that will be enough for him to stop doing it.

Good luck with it all!! And don't worry, you are a great mom!!!

[caltechgirl]

Anita just made the point I was thinking of. Sounds like the little man is testing out your reactions to things.... and that maybe the pants-wetting thing is a bid to get back some of the one on one diaper changing attention he's not getting anymore. Not giving him any extra attention cuts out exactly what he's looking for. Try giving him that attention in other ways, maybe? I don't know what you do together that's special....but maybe a story or playing with Thomas?

Same thing for bath and bed will probably work, too. But I doubt it will be easy.

I'm told parenting is a battle of wills, and you're the one in charge, so you need to win.

[Melody]

Marie. I am in the same boat as you. You are not failing. We battle a lot of the time too. Being someone who never used a 'naughty' corner, I began using one 3 weeks ago and it was getting a great work out. But I told her that I was over putting her there. I said that if she was good for 5 days in a row, without the naighty corner, she got a special chcolate on the 5th day. SHe got that chocolate this morning. She said it was worth being good for. (Chocolate forg, not very big at all but it kept her and I happy!)

As for the peeing thing, we are back to square one too. I like the advice given to you above which I might take in my stride in the weeks to come.

Chins up and all that. We're in the same corner on opposite sides of the earth. (HUG)

[Anita]

One more note on the potty training.

Preschool is your friend! Your son won't want to have an accident there, and most likely he won't.

When my son was 3, I was sending him to preschool in pullups everyday because he was having accidents (just as you describe) at home on a regular basis. The teacher called me and said "why are you sending him in pull ups?". Duh. Because he isn't trained? The teacher than proceeded to tell me how he was perfectly trained at school and always used the toilet when given the opportunity. Ok, then. So he was basically totally manipulating me.

So I told him that I heard he was doing a great job at school using the toilet and that he didn't need pullups anymore at school or at home.

And that was the end of that.

Anita

[na]

You know, I just got boggled down by the books, Marie, so I gave up for a long time. My younger one has just been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, though, so I am back INTO the books to find out everything I can so that we can help him the best we can.

I had that 1-2-3 Magic book, and it worked somewhat, but we just didn't stick with it. (Probably because of kiddo's Asperger's quirks, even though he was not "labeled" at that point!)

"I'm failing miserably at this parenting gig at the moment." Nope, I don't think so. Your kiddo is loved and I'm sure he knows it, and he's growing and learning and having a lovely childhood. Wet pants? Obstinance? That just goes with the territory for someone his age! But you failing? NOT by a LONGSHOT!! :-)

[nat]

that's me, by the way, I lost my "t"!!