To the REAL Santa

Dear Santa Claus,

I thought you'd appreciate an update on your helpers, the Santa-wannabes who are sitting in chairs in retail establishments all over the world right now. You know who I'm talking about. The Imposters. Or your assistants. Whatever.

OK, so I haven't seen many of them, in fact I've only seen ONE in particular up close and personal this year. And that was plenty.

After seeing "you" in the distance a few days ago, my little boy was very interested in meeting Santa when I mentioned it yesterday. We prepared a letter, in which he asks for a "car toy" with a face  (like those in the movie Cars).  We headed out in the rain to see "you" at the local garden center. I made sure we arrived early, so that we'd be at the head of the line and wouldn't have to wait long to meet you.

When you arrived, you drew a round of applause from the crowd that had gathered. I was psyched. You were big and jolly looking, with rosy cheeks. But then you opened your mouth. You made an announcement to the crowd, and I quote, "I have a sicheeashun!" You went on to tell us that Rudolph doesn't think you love him any more, since you spend so much time at the garden center. So you led us in song (well, at least those who are allowed to sing -- that'd be anyone but me, apparently)... to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Finally, we got on with it. The crowd moved slowly, and since we were fourth in line, we didn't have to wait long. My son asked for his letter, which I'd placed in my purse, and he was ready to hand it to you.

As is the case with many tots, when the moment arrived for him to meet you, he was petrified. He threw the letter at you from a few feet away, then snuggled with me in terror and tears, for a brief photo-shoot that was no doubt an eternity for the little one.

You'd think, given that you're Santa and all, and that the shift had just started, you'd be cheery and friendly and patient with a small child. But no. You were a lame-ass Santa. You pretended to read a book to my son, by saying "oh! look at this! oh! look at this" Looking back on it, I wonder if you even could read! After one photo, you turned to me and said "Well, you got one!" Excuse me, shouldn't you be making an effort to make the tot feel more comfortable, you big dope?

And then, when it was time for us to leave, at the last second, you told my son you'd see what you could do about "them cars."

I winced in disbelief.

Isn't there a minimum education requirement for Santa wannabes? After all, Santa, you're a ROLE MODEL for the children. It would help if you & your cohorts could appear literate at the very least.

Maybe I'm a snob Mom, but sheesh.

Santa is supposed to be big and jolly, friendly, and reasonably articulate. At least that'd be my criteria if I were hiring.

Is that too much to ask?

Signed,
The Little Guy's Mom
(Who Will Be Seeking Out a Much Better Santa, Next Year)

Comments

[Barbara]

Geesh - Maybe he had too much Elf Punch or something.

[Melody]

He obviously did not go to the proper Santa school in the North Pole. That's where the real Santa Clause teaches understudies to be Santas in shopping malls. That's what I've heard anyway.

[InterstellarLass]

Oh, I had a Santa once that I wanted to take aside and give a stern talking-to. He sat there like a bump on a log. Didn't try to help the kids into his lap, didn't try to talk to the kids, didn't try to make them smile for the picture, didn't try to help the kids down. The ultimate lame-ass Santa. I didn't go back to that mall again!

[Thomas]

I am so glad to have made it to the age of 33 still believing in Santa Claus.

[Lisa]

This cracked me up, Marie! What a piece of crap Santa. I truly believe that kids have an inner voice that tells them which adult they should and shouldn't talk to.

That reminds me - on Sunday, my MIL took our kids to a Xmas party where "Santa" was present. They did go up to him (surprisingly) just to get a toy at the end. As J was telling me about it, she goes, "Oh yeah! Santa had this really ugly tattoo on his arm!" and points to the underside of his wrist. WTH? If you're going to be Santa, wear a costume that FITS. LOL

[Bluegrass Mama]

My dad was actually Santa for a couple of years at a mall in Syracuse. I didn't get to see him in person, but with six kids of his own and a masters degree in English (not to mention white hair and a real beard), I'm assuming he did an adequate job.

[The New Parent]

Well, Santa just isn't what he used to be. Or maybe his helpers never were. I also think that children have a sense about the "good" Santas and the "bad" ones. The ones they want to approach and those that, well, make them a bit uncomfortable.

[Jody]

We have the bestest Santa. We have to pay to get a photo with him but he's a Jolly Old Elf and really tries. But, really, a garden center Santa? You should have known. :)

[Tammy]

Poor lil' guy...sounds like you got Idiot Santa.

BTW....I love the pics...he's getting so BIG!

[Anita]

Ho ho ho . . .he may have been an awful Santa and all, but I'm glad that your son was probably too young to realize it, and that we got to benefit from this hysterical re-telling of the tale.

Better luck next year!